I’ve recently bought an established home and have decided to “make it my own”. That was the first bad move. Here are some things I’ve learnt:

1. Wet paint wipes easily off window frames and glass. Dry(ing) paint scrapes easily off both too. Don’t bother masking either.

2. It doesn’t, however, wipe off carpet anywhere near as easily. Drop sheets are your friend.

3. That euphoria you’re feeling is not from the wonderful new colour of the room. It’s paint fumes, open a window, you’re about to pass out!

4. Brushes, rollers, the roller tray and the drop sheets aren’t always the only thing with paint on them. Sometimes it’s the sole(s) of your shoes. If you’re wondering why this is significant, see point 2.

5. Use the right tools for the job. Those little furry, sponge-paddy type “brushes” are magic and come in every shape and size, each for a specific type of job, and produce a finish that could never be achieved with a traditional brush.

6. And while we’re on the subject of the right tools… get good masking tape. Get the green masking tape. “No, no, the GREEN tape. Sheesh! Do I have to tell you every time? You never listen to me.”

7. Don’t pull the masking tape off too soon (oops!). Let the paint dry and, if needed, use a knife to cut the edges away from the painted surface.

8. Make sure you leave enough time to clean up afterwards. It takes FOREVER! Having dinner at 11.30pm and going to bed at 1am aren’t good for your health.

9. Don’t bother joining a gym if you’re planning to start painting. You’re gonna get plenty of exercise while you prepare and paint. Arrgghh, my whole me aches.

10. Lastly and most importantly, if you can afford to, pay someone else to do it. Seriously, it’s hard work.

* I don’t actually know anything about painting. Follow these suggestions at your peril. I’m just attempting to be humorous.